i never understand you

After like 7 years already, I'm still asking myself, ''why is this happening to me?" Why can't I live happily? However, no matter how much I want to say, ''This is so unfair!", I still can't say it loudly. It is not like my childhood is a misery, in fact, it was a happy one. Honestly speaking,  even till now, I still can't accept the fact. Every time I look at her, I feel miserable. I want to cry so much. Keep on yelling, WHY? Looking at her sunken face with scraggly look. Getting thinner and thinner everyday, Barely able to walk. Couldn't sleep, Coughing for the whole day. Staring at you blankly, wondering what's on her mind? Can't drink much water even when the weather is hot or when she is sick, Replacing ice cubes with water just in case she over-drink and suffocated. I feel angry. I find millions of reasons and excuses to hate her so that I don't care about her. So that I feel nothing when she finally leaves me. I tried very hard to delete her from my memory. I avoid looking at her face. Feeling despair and sorrow with the sad-looking eyes. Yet, I'm still here, tears rolling down my cheeks silently. My conscience keeps on reminding me who is she. What i'm doing now is wrong but it makes me feel better temporarily before the clock strikes again and I have to wake up in the reality. I feel like i'm a 2 different people before and after I wake up in the real world.   Now, she either spends her lives on her wheelchair or lying on the ground staring at you blankly with the sad looking eyes. Skin wrapping on her bones is what still left. Can't wear her socks by herself anymore. She is just like on old baby whom need to be looked after. Bath for her, Changing diapers for her, Make sure the food is not too hard for her to chew.   All I can say is only God...........